Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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