She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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