Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
