When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
