Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
