if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
