When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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