Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
