I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
