I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Welp...herpes.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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