can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
