If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
