before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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