remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
