My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
