Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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