White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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