this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
