I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
