Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
