When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
