I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
