i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
