I think im going to throw up on grandma
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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