This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
