he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
