did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
