My liver just broke up with me...
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
