Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
