I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
