I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need to calm my uterus...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
