I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
