This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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