My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
