I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
