i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
