the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
