just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
