Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
