toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
