My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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