I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
