At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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