I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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