Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
