I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
