I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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