how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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