Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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