your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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